What's the Holdup, Angel?

This probably qualifies as a seasonal post that's, well, out of season.  But frankly, there's so much trashy Christmas merchandise on the shelves that I could probably run a whole year's worth of blogs on that topic alone, so I'm throwing one in anyway.

Today's terror presents a bit of an existential dilemma.  I mean, heaven is supposed to be paradise -- a place of beauty and glory and perfection and eternity, right?  And there are angels there, right?  So theoretically, angels should be beautiful and glorious and perfect and eternal... yes?

Well, whenever it's my time to go, I sincerely hope that I don't end up in any afterlife where God's operations staff look like this:

They got the part about six wings right, but not the part about covering the feet and face. Which is kind of a shame, all things considered.

What's even scarier than granny-angel's shocking (and aged) appearance is the fact that she's apparently being held up for her angelic pocket change, because the last person I saw reach for the sky that dramatically was Don Knotts.

An Irish Wish For...

It's coming up on St. Patrick's Day, a holiday that, like its fellows St. Valentine's Day and All Hallows Day, has lost pretty much any resemblance to the original holy celebration and is now about things like... well... beer.

And green things.

And especially beer.

Of course, everyone knows that good old Patrick (whoever he was) had something to do with Ireland, so it's tradition to wear shamrocks and green and Notre Dame T-shirts and the like on Saint Patty's day, also while drinking green beer.  And in keeping with that seasonal tradition, I bring you this warm Irish wish:

A traditional Irish blessing, usually bestowed right before (or as) the speaker passes out from drinking too much green beer.

...AS WHAT?!

(And just for clarity, this is a ceramic trivet. There is no print on the back side.)

Spheriform Santa

Okay... I know Santa Claus is supposed to be plump and jolly, but representing him as an actual sphere is a bit much:

"Ho Ho Hoooo... whoooaa!" *rolls away*

Yep, that's an actual ball-shaped body. Note that it's not a Christmas tree ornament, which might make sense given traditional blown-glass Christmas balls... it's a figurine, meant to sit around on tables and terrify small children with its rolypolyosity.

Or perhaps this is in the off season, and Santa just puts on weight as he rests up from all that hard gift-delivering. After all, Saint Nick is clad only in green long johns here, instead of his usual fur-lined coat and pants.  Maybe that's what he wears (along with his ruffled red hat) when he goes fishing in the tropics.

Speaking of fish -- in my quest to bring you the most accurate blog post possible, I engaged in meticulous research (read: a quick Google search) and discovered that there is actually a reason for Santa to be carrying a fish here.  There's apparently an Irish folk tale about Saint Nicholas bringing magic fish to a widow.

...Yeah. It's pretty weird.  I prefer the one where he stuffs people's socks full of cash.

Undead Christmas Deer

The holidays are a time when tradition reigns supreme.  Growing up, my Christmas experience was no exception to this rule -- though in my family, it was as much for reasons of frugality as for love of tradition.  My grandparents lived through the Great Depression, and those conservative fiscal habits were deeply ingrained in us at an early age (meaning I come by my thrift-store shopping honestly!).

Because we tended to reuse and recycle rather than buying new things, much of our holiday decor hailed from previous decades.  One house rule was that we didn't buy new gift wrap until we finished off what we already had, including the stockpile we'd inherited when my grandfather died.  This meant that we were still wrapping gifts in paper from the 1960s -- hot pink and lime green and very mod -- until I was in college.  (Around the year 2000 my mother rebelled and started buying gift bags, but I wouldn't be surprised if there were still some 1960s gift wrap in the attic.)  We also have an aluminum Christmas tree (the kind Charlie Brown refused to buy in A Charlie Brown Christmas), ornaments dating back to the 1940s, and loads of vintage decor items around the house.  I attribute much of my fondness for midcentury kitsch to being surrounded by it during the holidays growing up.

So imagine my delight when I happened across these cute deer at Goodwill a couple of months ago!  They're rather shabby and badly-painted, but I quite liked them; they reminded me of the miniature deer I used to tie to Scotch tape dispensers and cram into the branches of our tree.  (Hey, when you're five years old, a tape dispenser looks kind of like a sleigh from the side.)

Christmas kitsch at its kitschiest.

But I noticed something odd -- that seam around the neck.  At first I thought they were containers of some kind, but on closer inspection I decided that it was just easier for the manufacturer to line up the hollow molds there than to do a side-by-side mold with the skinny antlers and legs.

A major problem with vintage items is that some of the materials don't age well.  In this case, it was the adhesive that failed.  Because when I tried to pick up one of the deer...

GAAAAAHHH!

Well, that was disturbing.  So much so that (after taking the photo) I initially walked away without buying them... and when I went back later to pick them up, they'd been snatched up by some other lover of kitsch.  A week later, I saw someone selling a similar pair of deer for ten dollars, and there were at least five people fighting over them.  Apparently I'm not the only one who's nostalgic about Christmas decor.

Lesson learned: Always buy your undead headless zombie Christmas deer the first time around.

Attack of the One-Eyed Snowmen

There is a horror creeping among us -- a rash of ghostly one-eyed beings of ice, who, with their mocking smiles and curving orange noses, are attempting to infiltrate our homes and spy upon us with their 50% vision.  They masquerade as rosy-cheeked holiday decorations.  Some wear seasonal earmuffs and scarves:

I seeeeee you... but not well.

Others dress more plainly, their features fading in and out of view:

Lumpy snow is the creepiest snow!

(Or perhaps snowmen, like daruma dolls, need to have their second eye filled in by the person who buys them.)

But as scary as these one-eyed snowmen might be, above all, beware the fearsome two-eyed snowmen -- for if you look directly into their icy eyes, you could become... mesmerized.

(And if you have ever attended the Historic Artcraft Theatre, I guarantee you just heard that in Rob Shilts's voice.)

Ginger Jesus, and a (Long) Rant

(Not kidding about the rant. You've been warned.)

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do, you've undoubtedly noticed that it's nearing Christmas.  (The stores have been stocking holiday items since July -- they don't let you forget.)  Whether you celebrate it as a religious or secular holiday (or not at all), you probably already know that Christmas is named after somebody.

Just so we're clear, this isn't him:

I'm not sure who this is, but I've read the Bible, and I don't recall any mention of Jesus wearing a mop of wilted lettuce as a hat, or having measles, or wearing Adam Lambert-quantities of eyeliner.  And while we're counting offenses, let's mention the color scheme: I don't think "lily of the valleys" was referring to his skin color.  Nor was there a plethora of ginger-headed Jews running around in the first century, as far as I know.  Adding to the insult is the fact that this torso-less head is perched on an iridescent-glazed pedestal that is finished much more nicely than anything above it, as if the whole bust is no different than a souvenir piggy-bank head of Thomas Jefferson from the gift shop at Monticello.*

I know, I know; that's supposed to be a crown of thorns and blood. But thorns aren't green and leafy; and even if they were, the punctures are nowhere near them -- there's even one down on his cheekbone. It's not an unrecognizable representation; it's just bad.  Really, really bad.  This piece is supposed to represent anguish and suffering -- the passion of the Christ -- but it looks more like someone tried to craft Jesus as a cute anime character with a silly hat.

Admittedly, this is a particular hot button with me.  Bad devotional art (of any variety, or any religion for that matter) has always offended me more than bad generic art.  Anyone making art (/music/literature/etc.) to express their beliefs should be pouring all their effort into their creation; if this is meant to be a symbol of devotion, honoring what is most important to you personally, TRY HARDER. I mean, not every religious work has to be on par with the Sistine Chapel or the Mosque of Córdoba -- but if it's representing what you believe is responsible for your eternal soul, you should at least be able to look at it without flinching.

And I'm equally offended by bad mass-produced commercial devotional merchandise (like the above example), because the fact that it exists means consumers bought it, just because of its religious nature, with little or no consideration for the quality (or accuracy, or intent) of the work.  Just because something is religious does not automatically grant it artistic merit, any more than a book shelved in the Romance section of the bookstore must have intrinsically good story structure.  In fact, I'd argue that "religious" works (by which I mean things relating to or inspired by a belief system, since I think the word religion can be very misleading) should be held to a higher standard of quality than secular works.

I liken it to those engraved name souvenirs you see in tourist traps and gas stations.  Most of them are pretty ugly or trashy -- how many people would really pay $5.99 for a plastic cutout of a flip-flop with a magnet hot-glued to the back?  But when someone sees their grandchild's name, they say, "How cute! Let's buy one of these for little Sarah! It has her name on it."

But really, they don't mean it's cute.  Sarah may be cute, but the magnet is still ugly -- only now it's ugly with Sarah's name on it.  Frankly, if I'm going to own something with my name on it, I'd rather it be something nice that I enjoy looking at -- not a plastic flip-flop.  The considerate thought (gift-giving) is there, but it falls short of full consideration (taste or functionality of the gift).

Merchandising to religious groups works much the same way.  A company can produce something mediocre at the lowest price possible, because they know they can sell it to people of that group without putting in the extra effort to make it good, simply because it's "spiritual" or "religious" or "devotional" or whatever they want to call it this week.  That's how we end up with Ginger Jesus up there, and the Last Supper Canister Set (referenced in my first post), and creepy concrete Buddha garden statues, and chintzy pot-metal necklaces of pagan symbols at the discount store.  Anyone who believes strongly enough in their chosen system to use/wear/read/meditate/decorate with images from it has the right to demand that what they buy is not insulting to their God and/or beliefs!  But often, unfortunately, they don't.

TL;DR: If you're making something on a subject you truly care about, make it good. If you're buying merchandise related to something you care about, make sure it's good. Don't settle for trash just because they slapped your particular label on it.

Whew.  Okay, done ranting for the week.  (Until something else pushes a button.)


* Which, by the way, I would also find kind of demeaning -- though at least Jefferson has the topical connection of a coin with his head on it.  Which you could... put inside his head.  "Yo, dawg, I heard you liked nickels, so I put a bank in your Jefferson so you can put Jefferson's head in Jefferson's head."  Nope; doesn't quite work.  Maybe a heads/tails pun?  Or maybe I should quit while I'm... ahead.

*rimshot*

*crickets*

Nightmare Nutcracker

Holidays always bring out the most... interesting... seasonal merchandise.  In addition to the artfully crafted and expensive holiday wares, stores are flooded with cheap kitschy decorations and do-it-yourself kits.

Some of these decorations are fine for one-time use, or make good inexpensive substitutes for those of us trying to save a little money on our holiday celebrations.  But others can make you question not only the sanity, but the sheer humanity of the manufacturers responsible for them.

Take, for example, this nutcracker figurine:

This nutcracker has been cracking too many coffee beans.

My eyes jump around all over the place when looking at this, almost like it's vibrating.  I can't tell if he's trembling in homicidal rage or just overcaffeinated, but either way, I can tell you that I wouldn't want him in my house, grimacing at me in ochre-faced fury all day long.


UPDATE:  I thought at first that this might have been an unfortunate case of hand-painting, like those kids' craft projects that people buy to keep the little ones occupied while they wrap Christmas gifts in the other room.  But in the past few weeks, I've seen *three* of these at various different thrift stores, all with equally bad paint jobs.  So apparently they're not only mass-produced, but universally donated.

Happy Thanksgiv... ew.

Disclaimer: I am not of Native American descent. That means I can't claim to be personally offended on ethnic grounds by this... representation of... um...

WHY IS THIS CULTURALLY ACCEPTABLE?

I'm sorry -- I think my history class must have skipped the lesson where obese, rosy-cheeked Indians with heart-shaped patches on their knees brought Concord grapes and rigor-mortis eels to the feed the Pilgrims.  (As if it weren't insult enough that we took their land and poisoned them with European diseases, now we represent them in mass-produced cutesy Americana that bears no resemblance to any native tribe on the continent? Ugh.)

On a more pleasant note:  Happy Thanksgiving wishes to all my American readers (native or imported).  If you're traveling, be safe.  If you're deep-frying a turkey, wear protective gear.  If you're shopping on Black Friday... God help you.

And like the ugly candlestick says, Give Thanks!

Election Week Special

(A little reminder that this blog is intended to be read in the spirit of good fun.  I don't intend offense to anyone or any group of people, nor am I making any kind of statement. There's enough emotional reactivity on social media during election week as it is without it spilling over into a little snarky thrift store blog.) :)


So there was a bit of a thing in the United States this week...

I got this awesome sticker just for filling in some circles on a piece of paper!

I hope ALL of you (well, those who are U.S. citizens 18 and over) exercised your constitutional right to vote!  As you can see from my shirt in the above picture, I feel pretty strongly about making your voice heard -- even though I live in a state that has been pretty solidly one color for the last 70 years.  (Swing states have all the fun.)

In case you've been living under a rock, President Obama has been elected for a second term.  Media coverage has included all the usual pomp and congratulations, as well as unrelated critiques of First Lady Michelle Obama's wardrobe (seriously?!) -- but what a big media shift from the election four years ago!  Obama's victory in 2008 was considered historically significant, as he was the first African-American to be elected to the office of PotUS.  Recognizing an angle when it bites them in the pants, the media expanded and exploited this (largely invented) racial controversy until it became the subject of referential humor for countless outlets:

Mallard Fillmore, 2/3/2007

Nevertheless, it was a first in history, and significant to many people, and a lot of folks took this to heart.  Shirts and caps emblazoned with "My President Is Black" began appearing in stores, and some people even claimed it as a sort of personal motto.

So, now it's 2012, and our African-American President has been reelected.  But this time, apparently in honor of Obama's repeat victory, Lady Liberty is also getting in on the campaign.  For all you history fans who thought the Statue of Liberty was made of copper, you're WRONG!  That's old-fashioned thinking, and we're ready for a more progressive representation of Liberty.  Now it's not just my President who is black!

Admittedly, "My Statue of Liberty is Black" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

...or is that racist? It's hard to tell:

Mallard Fillmore, 10/28/2009

In any case, the 2012 election is over -- which means we'll finally be free of mudslinging campaign ads, skewed infographics, inflammatory internet macros and biased media statements!  Hooray!

Well... maybe not biased media.  Some things stay the same year-round.