Thursday, November 29, 2012

Return to return the nature

It's not really a terror in the usual sense, but it did come from a thrift store.  Here's some painstakingly-translated text from a humidifier box:

And it even specifies that the product's Alignment is EU market.  After that description, I would have guessed Chaotic Neutral.

Monday, November 26, 2012

The Tale of the Seaquorn

Today, boys and girls, I'm going to tell you a fairy tale!

Once upon a time, in a place far, far away, was a magical land where unicorns lived.  Now, boys and girls, long ago people thought unicorns looked something like this:

And more recently, people have thought maybe unicorns looked something like this:

But you, boys and girls, know better than that!  After all, you are all smart little boys and girls who paid attention in etymology class, and you know that the word "unicorn" comes from two words:  The prefix "uni," meaning "one," and the noun "corn," meaning "corn."

Yes, that kind of corn.  On the cob.  Like you eat.

What, you don't believe me?  Well, then, how do you explain THIS?

The... Seacorse? Equorn? Seaquorn? What do you even call this?

...Well, yes; it actually does look more like a seahorse than a unicorn.  And it's in water, judging by the blue waves on its base.  But you're missing the greater point, which is WHY THE HECK WOULD ANYONE MAKE THIS?!

Now, I can see that if someone found a stunted, twisted ear of corn, they might imagine that it looked a bit like a seahorse.  But this is not an ear of corn -- this is a ceramic figurine. That someone designed. And pitched to a production company. And got approval for.  And manufactured. And convinced a buyer to stock in a store.  And someone bought.  And had in their house.

So the moral of this story, boys and girls, is... um... don't eat lead.

(Thanks to Yaexrae for today's photo submission!)

Monday, November 19, 2012

Happy Thanksgiv... ew.

Disclaimer: I am not of Native American descent. That means I can't claim to be personally offended on ethnic grounds by this... representation of... um...

I'm sorry -- I think my history class must have skipped the lesson where obese, rosy-cheeked Indians with heart-shaped patches on their knees brought Concord grapes and rigor-mortis eels to the feed the Pilgrims.  (As if it weren't insult enough that we took their land and poisoned them with European diseases, now we represent them in mass-produced cutesy Americana that bears no resemblance to any native tribe on the continent? Ugh.)

On a more pleasant note:  Happy Thanksgiving wishes to all my American readers (native or imported).  If you're traveling, be safe.  If you're deep-frying a turkey, wear protective gear.  If you're shopping on Black Friday... God help you.

And like the ugly candlestick says, Give Thanks!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Creepy Wallace Berrie, part 2

In case you doubted the creep factor of the figurines referenced in my previous post, here's some more evidence:

Just... no.

Why...? Who would...? And where are his pants?!

Monday, November 12, 2012

Creepy Wallace Berrie

I'll admit that I have never really understood the Wallace Berrie (and imitators) phenomenon; I find the dumpy, monochromatic figurines with engraved sayings ugly and kind of dorky (anything that routinely substitutes "wuv" for "love" just rubs me the wrong way, unless it's The Princess Bride).  But I recognize that that art style was popular in the 1970s; and the people who bought them had probably already had their sense of taste destroyed by the drug culture and double-knit polyester and Billy Jack, so it wasn't really their fault.

But this... this is just disturbing, no matter what kind of drugs you're on:

Because nothing says "sexual assault" like a lip-smacking leprechaun.

Setting aside the grammar error (it should be "lie down," since it's a mandate)...  The lecherous expression; the "Wild Thing"-like solicitation... What recipient would NOT be creeped out by this?

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Election Week Special

(A little reminder that this blog is intended to be read in the spirit of good fun.  I don't intend offense to anyone or any group of people, nor am I making any kind of statement. There's enough emotional reactivity on social media during election week as it is without it spilling over into a little snarky thrift store blog.) :)

So there was a bit of a thing in the United States this week...

I got this awesome sticker just for filling in some circles on a piece of paper!

I hope ALL of you (well, those who are U.S. citizens 18 and over) exercised your constitutional right to vote!  As you can see from my shirt in the above picture, I feel pretty strongly about making your voice heard -- even though I live in a state that has been pretty solidly one color for the last 70 years.  (Swing states have all the fun.)

In case you've been living under a rock, President Obama has been elected for a second term.  Media coverage has included all the usual pomp and congratulations, as well as unrelated critiques of First Lady Michelle Obama's wardrobe (seriously?!) -- but what a big media shift from the election four years ago!  Obama's victory in 2008 was considered historically significant, as he was the first African-American to be elected to the office of PotUS.  Recognizing an angle when it bites them in the pants, the media expanded and exploited this (largely invented) racial controversy until it became the subject of referential humor for countless outlets:

Mallard Fillmore, 2/3/2007

Nevertheless, it was a first in history, and significant to many people, and a lot of folks took this to heart.  Shirts and caps emblazoned with "My President Is Black" began appearing in stores, and some people even claimed it as a sort of personal motto.

So, now it's 2012, and our African-American President has been reelected.  But this time, apparently in honor of Obama's repeat victory, Lady Liberty is also getting in on the campaign.  For all you history fans who thought the Statue of Liberty was made of copper, you're WRONG!  That's old-fashioned thinking, and we're ready for a more progressive representation of Liberty.  Now it's not just my President who is black!

Admittedly, "My Statue of Liberty is Black" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

...or is that racist? It's hard to tell:

Mallard Fillmore, 10/28/2009

In any case, the 2012 election is over -- which means we'll finally be free of mudslinging campaign ads, skewed infographics, inflammatory internet macros and biased media statements!  Hooray!

Well... maybe not biased media.  Some things stay the same year-round.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Donate or Trash?

It's time to play "Donate or Trash" -- the game that answers whether or not things should be donated to a thrift store for resale!  The rules are simple: If the item in question is something that another person can enjoy and would pay money for, the answer is Donate!  If it's an item that would not be appropriate and/or safe to share with others, the answer is Trash!

Ready? Let's begin!

Item #1: Vintage golf practice kit in original box (complete with lightning bolts to show that it's electronic):

Nobody knows what happened to Oscar Senior.
If you answered Donate, you're correct!  Some thrift store-haunting woman might just buy this for her golf-obsessed dad for Father's Day.*

Item #2: An obviously opened and partially-used container of edible goods:

Clearly not sealed for your protection.
If you answered Trash, you're correct!  It's not a good idea to resell potentially-contaminated food product at your local thrift store.

Item #3: Your grandmother's entire 347-piece bear figurine collection:

What do you call a group of bears? A pack? A herd? A cartload?
That's right, the answer is Donate!  Someone whose grandmother also collects bears may need a cheap last-minute Christmas gift someday.

Item #4: A used tube of lip balm:

Um. ...Ew?
If you answered WHAT THE #@$&! IS WRONG WITH YOU, you're correct!  Donating used personal items to a thrift store may result in your shoes being vomited upon, and/or getting beat up in a dark alley.  Just saying.

That's all for today, folks! Join us next time for another exciting game of "Donate or Trash!"

* Yes, I did. And he liked it.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Take A Bobble Out of Crime

There's such a thing as a McGruff the Crime Dog bobblehead?!

Bobbling away at crime since 1980.
I would not have predicted this.  I mean, McGruff's target demographic doesn't strike me as overlapping with your stereotypical bobblehead collectors.

Although, on further reflection, the items in the background of this picture are FAR more interesting -- I'm kind of wishing I'd taken photos of them instead of being distracted by Bobbles McGruff.  What on earth is the red/yellow monstrosity on the right side of the screen?  A child strangling a floral teddy-giraffe-lion, maybe?  And the accordion-playing angel reminds me of this classic Gary Larson cartoon:

(Really, what's most disturbing about this whole thing is that every time I look at head-bobbing McGruff pointing his finger at me, I relive the horror of watching Camillo Teti's Titanic.)

(You're welcome.)

(No, I won't pay your therapy bills.)